Training Wheels

It’s been a week since my surgery and like every step of the last 14 months, my mind heals much faster than my body.  I’m raring to go….but limited and held back by my physical condition.  I have drain tubes, stiches, tons of tape and a tight wrap from my hip bones all the way to under my arms.  I feel like a swaddled burrito… that can’t breathe.  It’s uncomfortable, and the meds make me feel even worse so I’ve officially switched to good ole’ Tylenol.  My doctor gave me strict instructions to lay in bed for 2 hours then only get up for 20 minutes at a time….for 10 days straight!  She asked in a pondering sort of way, “…Can you create spa like conditions around your house for about 3 weeks?”  My face probably said it all.  Ugh, I wish!!  Having a 5 and 3 year old made that an interesting challenge.  I should have just asked Mark to send me to a real spa for recovery…that would have been dreamy.  So no, I haven’t had spa like conditions…but I’m recovering and it’s nice to have this last big step in the rear view mirror.

 I have needed help getting in and out of bed, going up the stairs, taking a shower…basically everything.  But every day, there is just a slight improvement and I feel more like myself.  I’ve had a lot of time with myself actually this past year.  A.lot.of.time.  Just me. Solo with my thoughts.  Feeling sick from chemo.  Feeling absolutely exhausted from radiation.  Recovering from 3 major surgeries.  And emotionally feeling like a skipping stone most times.  Some days I have energy and am up, and others I’m gliding across the water trying not to fall in.  Running on adrenaline and a positive attitude for so long actually is quite exhausting at times.  This is the busiest time of my life…2 kids, working full time and not skipping a beat…trying to play catch up with the fun parts of life with friends, concerts, and playing outside.  Life is full. Add in there on top of it all…serious decisions about treatments, researching options, second and third opinions.  Driving back and forth to LA…often.  Standing doctors appointments with multiple doctors and many many waiting rooms.  Waiting. I’ve been waiting to get on with life….and I’m almost done waiting.  This was the last big hurdle…I’m so close and I can’t wait.  I can’t wait because I’m worn out, and over it. 

I hit a new level this past weekend.  I was so sore and uncomfortable this past Sat.  I was sick of being in bed and staring at the same trees outside for the last 14 months.  I was stir crazy and mad about my physical condition….mad because I felt cheated.  I stared at the blue sunny sky, and palm trees swaying in the breeze and then I heard something that both made my heart sing and sink at the same time.  River and Sea were outside with Mark’s wonderful mom Kathy who had come to help for the last 11 days.  They were riding bikes and I could hear them.  River has been timid to try out her bike with training wheels and prefers to ride her peddle-less strider bike since she can fly on it.  I haven’t yet gotten her on her Minnie mouse sparkly streamer bike…despite all my efforts.  I heard Mark’s mom outside gently instructing.   I could hear the training wheels toddle back and forth so I knew she was on that bike. My ears perked up.  Then I heard Kathy say “Go!! Go!! Peddle- peddle- peddle, don’t stop…you got it!…don’t stop…you can do it!……then an explosive cheer… WOOOHOOO River!!! (clapping) you did it!!!  You did it!” 

She did it. I laid trapped in bed with no one there to get me up…like a turtle stuck on its back….and then the quiet tears flowed. Both happy and sad tears.  I missed my kids.  I wanted to be in the cul-de-sac... cheering – running – clapping and watching her face beam with pride.  And at the same time, I was humbled that Mark’s mom was here to selflessly help us in this dire time of need.  To Kathy and my mom Aurea, thank you.  Thank you for being the pillars of strength cheering us on through all of this. Thank you for taking care of my family during a time when I couldn’t.  Thank you for loving my kids when I physically couldn’t.  You both have been our training wheels as we lean one way or the other on this bumpy ride.  You both have held this family up.  I’m happy to say that very soon, those training wheels are coming off… and we're going to ride on with the freedom of life!