After back to back treatments for 8 months, I can confidently say I took the big “C” - turned it into a little “c”….then I said a big fat “C-ya”. I’m cancer free….and thoroughly enjoying life knowing that. I have never been in the moment more in my life. I have never been more present…with conversations, experiences, and people I love. Things that might have got to me before this experience…effortlessly and easily fall away. From one moment to the next, I feel deeply engaged and inspired. I feel like my life is firing on all cylinders. All aspects are humming together into the collective picture of what my life is. I know more than ever that I am greater than the sum of all my parts. I am humbled by my resilient body and its ability to heal itself. I am grateful for kind souls that cross my path that check in on me. I am thankful for modern medicine and experts who stuck out the extra schooling and took on additional school loans to help people like me. I’m filled to the brim with gratitude.
Last summer Mark and I knew we had to commit on if we were or weren’t going to have another child. We had gone back and forth for months and the time had come. So last July we went on vacation to the Midwest. We both sat in a big comfy chair overlooking the lake and told each other we couldn’t get up until we made a decision so we could both mentally move on. An hour later we both stood up out of the oversized leather chair and were completely onboard with a family of 5. We were giddy and excited with the thought of another little one. Three kids felt complete to us….like everyone was there. That afternoon I received a phone call from my doctor saying they found something suspicious and to come in when I got back from vacation. Within an afternoon our lives went drastically from one extreme to the other. You can plan as much as you want…but ultimately life has a plan of its own that you simply have to get onboard with. We had a garage sale selling all things baby last weekend. We have shifted our mental picture of what our family looks like…and I have to say it’s just a lovely.
I finished radiation a few weeks ago. It was a great to be officially done. It felt amazing. DONE. done-done-done. Then the next morning I woke up and surprisingly felt incredibly panicked with the freedom of not getting up and going straight to radiation. I had gone every morning for 7 weeks. It started to sink in…I’ve had a treatment or surgery for months and I’m not doing anything right now that’s fighting cancer. Crap. Everything that I could control had run out…now what?! After I got my bearings and gave myself a good pep talk, I walked downstairs and made a green smoothie for breakfast instead of coffee. I can control that. The rest is up to the heavens on if cancer comes back and what my life plan is. So for now, I’ll focus on green smoothies, enjoying my life…and those in it.
With being a carrier of the BRCA gene – I have an increased chance of also getting ovarian cancer (60%). Hearing you have cancer once in your life is plenty…so I’m not taking any chances. Tomorrow I have decided to prophylactically get my ovaries removed. This will bring on its own set of challenges….but side effects are small compared to the relief of completely eliminating the risk of getting ovarian cancer.
I’ve got big work to do – my girls are too little – and life is far too fun for me to chance any of it. xo
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